80/20

This morning I'm sitting thinking about the after-effects of the surgery.  It's going to cause a lot of changes that I don't know if I'm read to do yet.  Most of my excuses for not going through with it revolve around my food issues.  It includes:  sharing food experiences with people, eating what I want to eat, trying new restaurants (which I hardly do now anyway), dining out on vacation...etc.  Hopefully, the dietitian at the weight loss center will help me find out how to be flexible once I'm on my own.

One of the ideas my husband and I had was for me to start counseling with a person who is an expert in food issues.  I don't know if I am an addict or not, but I am finding the same desires in me I had when I quit smoking.  There are all of these justifications and excuses.  The longing for "one last" or to have "freedom" to do what I want is strong.  What is difficult to realize is that it's not freedom at all.  It is a self-imposed cage made of gold.  While it feels good to be surrounded by gold, I am suffering in ways I don't even see.  A counselor may be able to help me break that cage and see the freedom I could have with self-control.

For the past several weeks, I have been working the goal to lose 20 lbs. by the next time I see the surgeon.  We have basically stopped dining out (I did have a turkey sub once) and we have started trying to cook more healthful meals at home.  I am trying to start avoiding things like bread and pasta.  They were the staple of my diet for so long...it's a challenge.  Soda is no longer a part of my life.  The biggest challenge has been to give up chocolate.  While I have had 1 slip by eating two fun sized Milky Way bars, I have been chocolate-free for a week.  The chocolate milk habit has been difficult to break, though.  All in all, I've lost 8 lbs. in 2 weeks.  This weekend has been a constant binge temptation, but I have stood strong so far.  I've mostly stayed within my calorie range.  Now....to remember to pray about the challenge!

At any rate, I am sitting at about 80 for and 20 against the surgery today.  When I think of all that has to happen in the next year for moving and packing and living with other people, it motivates me to do what I've needed to do for so long-change my lifestyle.  This surgery will force me to do that and that makes me happy.  :)  Let's make it through today, first, though.  Lifestyle changes...(like they say)...one step at a time!

Surgery Update

There's a lot going on right now!  I am moving forward with the bariatric surgery, but I'm not certain if I'm going to go through with it yet.  Still lots to think and pray about.  It's such a lifestyle change-nothing like I've ever done before.  There's a lot of fear in my heart, but there's encouragement too.  I'm excited to see weight loss, but is it worth the negative aspects?  Jury's still out.

Right now, my assignment is to lose 20 lbs. prior to the surgery.  It helps shrink my liver so it's not in the way of my stomach.  I'm using my FitBit again and I'm using MyFitnessPal to track my food consumption.  There's also a psych eval I have to go through.  I'm concerned about whether I'll pass that, but only time will tell.

I'm really struggling with food issues tonight.  One of the clinic's resources is food counseling.  I'm wondering if I have some food addiction issues that I need to deal with.  I don't know if my struggle is normal or if I am fighting a battle that I don't have tools to win.  Tonight the desire for ice cream, extra pizza, popcorn, etc is burning strong within me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.  This is one of those times where I wish I had someone to reach out to for support.  My husband is a tremendous support in many things, but he doesn't fully understand this struggle.

Mostly, it's time to talk to my Father--my heavenly one.  He wants to hear my heart's desires and my earthly struggles.  I'll hand it over to Him again and He'll take it from there.  That is an encouraging thought!

Bariatric Support Group-1st Meeting

I went to the support group for the bariatric surgery group I'm considering.  It was very emotional for me:  anger, fear, excitement, surprised, impressed, etc.  The surgeon gave a lot of good information which helped me generate more questions for my initial consultation.  Some of the things that will need to be done before and after the surgery are intimidating, but doable.  Having just been through a surgery involving anesthesia and 4-6 weeks' recovery, I am ready to do the things required to recover.  I don't usually have a problem following doctor's orders.  It's the lifestyle change going forward that concerns me the most.

There were also testimonies from people who had done the surgery a year or more ago. The testimonials were the hardest part, I think.  I am concerned that I don't have the stamina or willpower to maintain the structure that will be required in my life.  The diet and exercise regimen these people are doing is intimating.  It was good to hear the parts of their stories that suggest they aren't perfect, but the surgery is a tool...not a solution.  Diet and exercise are the key.  Those are the two things I have struggled with most of my life and that is what scares me.  

Also, the food options I have will be very limited.  There are things I will absolutely not be able to eat anymore.  That will be a huge mind game for me.  I am used to eating what I want, when I want, in whatever portion I want.  Eating things like sweets and fried foods will literally make me ill.  While I don't have a big problem giving up fried foods, the lack of chocolate consumption will be a huge mind game.  I eat chocolate literally every day.  How do I break habits like this?

I am encouraged by the friendliness and the sternness of the dietitian.  She obviously cares, but doesn't give way when there's an issue at hand.  I look forward to meeting her formally.  The whole team will be a big help, I think.  They all seem pretty passionate about what they do.  It's a good combination with the knowledge they have.  I am excited at the prospect of having a whole team at my disposal.

Now...how to I start the mind game in advance?  How do I reconcile my food issues?  How do I decide whether the surgery is the kick start I need?  Prayers!!!  :)     

Bariatric Seminar

I went to a seminar on bariatric surgery last night.  I have been skeptical of this kind of surgery since I first heard of it.  It seemed risky and like a desperate attempt to correct a problem you should be able to manage on your own.  I became fat of my own accord and it's my responsibility to deal with it--not a doctor's.  I did it to myself.

The surgeon who spoke to us had a very different opinion.  He is passionate about treating obesity in this country.  He feels that obesity is a disease much like diabetes.  It is treatable, but people don't always go about fixing it the right way.  We try fad diets and pills and get discouraged when they don't work.  By the time we get to the morbidly obese point, it's not a manageable problem anymore.  We obese people need treatment, not another diet.

I am struggling to accept that idea, but I am trying.  My weight loss efforts have been numerous and unsuccessful.  I am beyond the point of being able to control my eating on my own.  I have always felt like it was more of an addiction and less of a physical ailment.  However, I see now that an addiction is as much a disease as diabetes.  Controlling it on your own is an illusion.  You need assistance and education.

The surgery sounds scary to me at this point.  I am scared of the lifestyle change, of the small amount of risk, and of my ability to maintain the discipline needed for this program.  The good news is that they help you every step of the way and provide support for years to come.  It would be wonderful to be able to ride a bike or go for a walk.  I miss being able to do simple activities like that.  I would love to be able to walk through a museum or go to a concert.  It's these kind of things that would motivate me to do something like this.  Even now, I tear up at the thought of all that freedom.  Something to think and pray about right now.  All the feels!

Beginning

Every time I start this first blog entry, I lose the ability to speak.  This blog is to be about my weight loss journey.  There are too many things to say and there are no right words to say them.  I am excited about the opportunity to journal my journey, but what if it's too negative?  What if I don't blog regularly?  What if people read it and discover about me things I do not want them to know?  These are the kind of questions that get me into trouble with food too.  What if I eat too much?  What if I eat the wrong thing?  What if it's psychological and I'm treating the wrong issue?

Perhaps this will be a place to just explore my thoughts and occasionally upload photos of food.  Maybe there will be before and after photos.  Maybe there won't be.  Maybe it will be inspirational for me to get my thoughts out.  Maybe I will cry.  Maybe I will laugh.  Maybe....it's just what I need to get started!

I am an all-over-the-place journal writer so please bear with me in my stream of consciousness writing.  Let's just chalk this up to a bumpy beginning and move forward!  After all...that's what it's about, isn't it?  Moving forward.